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Did you know the Sprint Unlimited is Saturday night?

No, not the latest payment plan. The stock car all-star race. Swimming pools. Movie stars. Y'all come back, y'hear?

I went to the grocery store. I attended the jayvee basketball games at the local high school Monday night. I went to the post office. And the hardware store. And, in tribute to contradictions in terms everywhere, a Subway salad.

Most of the folks around these parts are at least mildly aware that I write about NASCAR. As Dudley Moore said in Arthur, "It's not a large place." It's common for someone to swing by, piloting his trusty shopping cart, and while we both compare cheese prices, say, "You reckon that damn Johnson's got another champ-een-ship in him?" or

"How you think Junior's gon' do?"

Nothing. Someone asked me about the Clinton High girls' lacrosse team. Someone asked me what I thought of Bernie Sanders. Someone offered the opinion that the Super Bowl ads sucked.

If they're going to run heat races in the Xfinity Series, and a caution clock in Trucks, and the Chase is up to 16 drivers, what in the name of Darel Dieringer is going to get folks to watch the Unlimited? For one thing, the Unlimited is limited, though 25 drivers create an expansive vision of "all-star."

If Will Ferrell wanted to race, would they let him?

I, of course, am so vitally interested that, this morning, before I started writing this mess, I figured I'd better "surf the Internet" and I wanted to use a phrase less cliched, but I couldn't come up with one that didn't sound dirty, like "guide the Google" or some such. It's hard to control the synapses of filthy minds (and, as Groucho Marx would’ve said, I know from poisuhnul experience).

This was a harder task than I thought. At one site, when I couldn't find a news release about the race that is Saturday night, I clicked on "graphics," thinking, well, it'll have some information about the format and how it has changed over the years, blah, blah, blah.

It had a logo. That's all. Nice logo, though.

I went back to base camp on Mount Internet and started poring over releases. As best I can figure, the race will have 25 drivers, 75 laps and two segments. A lack-of-competition caution will be waved for the exhausted drivers' benefit after 25 laps. The race is open to last year's Chase hodgepodge, drivers who won poles in 2015, former winners of the Race Descended from the Busch Clash, former Daytona 500 pole winners and drivers who went through the entire 2015 season without any demerits on their report cards for Attitude, Diligence, and Obedience to the Empire for Which It Stands.

Now go do that voodoo that you do ... so well!

Okay, I was kidding about the last part. There's no voodoo in racing.

All the sword swallowers and hoochie-coochie girls are running off to join the Big Circus. What's the self- respecting all-star race to do?

It's like everything else. You can't get good help.

If you think of it, switch over to Fox on Saturday night around eightish, and the race never starts till 20 minutes or so after they claim, so you'll fine. Me? I reckon I'm going to have to miss the Presbyterian College basketball game.

Next year NASCAR will jazz it up. One segment will be through the infield ... in sports prototypes. R&D and Legal will veto the loop-the-loop on the back straight, so, instead, a large mound will be constructed so that all the cars can leapfrog each other in a new and exciting Midair Draft Presented by Boeing.

And you thought Eldora was squirrely.