THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT DOT COMS
The staff of Attitude's CompetitionPlus.com, in the spirit of free speech, offer up our own flavor of Dot Coms, tongue-in-cheek, regarding the good, bad and ugly of the recently completed. The following is our list compiled at the water cooler.
THE “I BELIEVE I’LL THROW A STONE IN A GLASS HOUSE” AWARD …
This one unanimously belongs to NHRA Funny Car racer Tony Pedregon.
You have to hand it to T-Ped; if there’s television time to be had he’s going to grab it even if it reveals a severe case of amnesia. Pedregon called out former boss John Force in the shutdown area during the NHRA U.S. Nationals citing that he knew what had been going on within team and was aware of how things worked alluding that championships were won for John Force Racing by “fixing” races. Tony must have forgotten that those same style of alleged team orders helped him to a Funny Car championship when he was with John Force Racing.
THE “I GOTTA PEE” AWARD …
This one goes to NHRA Pro Stock Bike rider Matt Guidera.
Guidera was tossed from the final six races of 2009 because he couldn’t urinate in time. Each driver is given 24 hours in which to provide a specimen for drug testing. Citing demands over the course of the NHRA U.S. Nationals, Guidera waited until the last hour to try and deliver a sample. He went twice but both samples were deemed inadequate by the lab and tossed out.
THE “TO HECK WITH THE GEARHEAD” AWARD …
This one goes to the IHRA, for erasing years of eliminations format tradition.
On October 16, 2009, the IHRA, once a competitive alternative to the NHRA, declared an end to open professional competition and choosing instead to field a “Chicago Style” format. In doing this, the IHRA created a designer program where tracks could pick and choose which classes they would run at their events. They also dropped staple classes such as Pro Modified and Pro Stock in favor of wheelstanders, jet cars and yes, nitro. The IHRA declared they were, for all intents and purposes, planning to change their program to suit the casual fan. In other words, they plan to present their style of show to a race fan who doesn’t know any better. Time will tell whether this will work.
THE “I SHOWED YOU SUCKERS” AWARD
This one goes to Tony Schumacher for winning the 2009 NHRA Top Fuel championship.
No one gave multi-time Top Fuel champion Tony Schumacher a snowball’s chance to win the championship in 2009. Despite losing his entire crew, including iconic crew chief Alan Johnson, Schumacher along with tuner Mike Green forged ahead and won head-to-head battles against Larry Dixon and new team owner Alan Johnson. The 2010 season remains an unknown but could Schumacher be gearing up for his “I Showed You Suckers Again” tour?
THE “BEST KEPT SECRET” AWARD …
This one goes to NHRA’s Countdown to 1 …
For all of the intensity and excitement the down-to-the-wire championships brought they barely made a blip on the radar of the major media outlets. Wasn’t that the reasoning being the Countdown; to create fan interest and media attention? For goodness sakes, the balloon boy in Denver gained more recognition for his efforts [and still does] than an incredibly awesome Top Fuel championship determined by three points.
Politcally Incorrect Dot Coms continue after this ad ...
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THE “SECOND BEST KEPT SECRET” AWARD …
This one goes to the drag racing and mainstream racing media [including us]
Did you know there was a significant achievement at the U.S. Nationals and apparently the racing world missed it? For the first time in history, a female Funny Car driver won the U.S. Nationals. Unfortunately, such a significant achievement got very little recognition. Ashley Force Hood defeated brother-in-law Robert Hight to win the title. However, it was all lost in the shuffle of cheating accusations and shutdown cat-fights with grown men. Shame on us media types for missing out on a real story.
Hmm…now if Danica won and two racers got into a fight…just saying.
Sorry Ashley we all should have done a better job.
THE “YEAH, WE’RE GONNA GET AROUND TO THAT” AWARD …
This one goes to the IHRA, for their uncrowned 2009 sportsman champions.
Prior to the 2009 season, the IHRA’s management announced what they described as an innovative plan to determine their champions. Win and you’re in is how the management described their new sportsman format which qualifies event winners, national and divisional, to race for the championship instead of pursuing the series accruing points. For this program to work, one must actually run the championship determining race. When bad weather invaded the Rockingham area the day of the event and the days following the event, the IHRA packed up and returned home. Now the champions will be determined in the spring of 2010.
THE “WE’LL MAKE UP THE RULES AS WE GO ALONG” AWARD …
This one belongs to NHRA and how they handled their testing policy …
Was it just us or did it appear that with each controversy the NHRA’s testing policy changed? The NHRA thundered out of the gate with a no-nonsense testing policy which penalized teams for a fifth test and even those who raced in other organizations. The testing policy was supposed to be simple if a team or a driver uses a fifth test, they are docked points for the next event. Then in August, the NHRA, after Robert Hight tested for the fifth time, this one in John Force’s car, declared the stipulation only applied to the car and crew chief, essentially the team, and not the driver. Then we learned that a fifth test opens the door to four new tests. This season one of the rules being considered will penalize teams for thinking of testing, and if they ponder that thought in excess of three minutes, they lose points for the next event.
Oh yeah, how about those qualifying points?
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THE “ONCE IN A LIFETIME” AWARD
This award goes to former Top Fuel racer Frank Bradley.
There’s no one more deserving than Bradley, who took full advantage of the controlled confines of the Connie Kalitta Roast for Charity to speak his peace.
Bradley took his turn on the microphone, looked at Kalitta and uttered something to the shock of those in attendance.
“You need to sit there and shut the f%$# up,” he said. “When is the last time someone told you that? Your mother 70 years ago?”
Even that hijacker dude didn’t dare say that to Conrad.
THE “THAT’S A VISUAL WE NEVER COULD HAVE ENVISIONED” AWARD
This one goes to John Force, likening his four-car experience with rushing the cheerleader’s showers.
We see him as a fast-talking, fast driving son of a gun, but in his younger years we’re sure 14-time champion John Force was quite a pistol. Force, who participated in the zMax Dragway four-car nitro exhibition, compared the experience to a teenage prank. While we didn’t put the possibility past him, we were just shocked it was revealed to the rest of the world.
THE “YOU PICKED A FINE TIME TO LEAVE ME, LOOSE WHEEL” AWARD
This one goes to Daniel Wilkerson for his Memphis mishap.
Wilkerson, racing for the second time in 2009, was trucking down the Memphis 1,000 foot course when he lost not one, but both rear wheels. This incident came on the heels of wheel failure for teammate Bob Tasca III but in a release issued by the NHRA, it was determined the wheels were not properly torqued.
To this date, the cause of Tasca’s wheel failure has not been released to the media or the public.
THE “WE’VE MILKED THIS ONE FOR ALL IT’S WORTH” AWARD
ESPN2 definitely earned this one …
How many ways can you rephrase the same question in the same show? That’s what ESPN2 and its pit reporters did when interviewing John Force in Richmond regarding his alleged “fixing” of a race against Robert Hight at Indy and whether or not he was going to throw the day's race..
Then there was the shoving match between Force and Pedregon in the shutdown area deal, which made its way into at least six telecasts after the incident.
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THE “THAT’S JUST CLASSY” AWARD
This one goes to Tony Schumacher for presenting his championship trophy to the soldiers and their families at Ft. Hood.
Schumacher’s association with the U.S. Army is more than just a sponsorship; it’s a relationship and one that has created a strong bond over the years. That’s why when Schumacher won arguably his hardest fought championship ever – he presented the trophy to those who have suffered mightily this year.
THE “WE WEREN'T BORN YESTERDAY” AWARD
This one has to go to John Force …
The one run might be his one unpardonable sin. The race in question was the semi-finals at the NHRA US Nationals, in which his car launched, turned right out of the groove, enabling Robert Hight to secure the tenth and final spot in the Countdown to One.
It looked like a deliberate dive to us but the only person who will ever know what transpired that day will be John Force and until then, it will forever remain that he got out of the groove and lost.
THE “MUST HAVE BEEN A TAPEWORM” AWARD
This belongs to doorslammer icon Pat Musi for his rapid weight loss …
No, he’s not sick or we wouldn’t poke fun at him. But, seriously, he lives in Jersey, one of the great havens for Italian food and pizza, and loses 40 pounds? His friends accuse him of smoking crack, but we’re betting money that it’s a tapeworm.
THE “NO LOVE LOST” AWARD
This one definitely belongs to longtime rivals Pat Musi and Tony Christian …
From what we hear, these two bitter rivals are about to embark on a match race tour they will call “The I Still Hate Your Guts” tour. The flame reduced to a flicker, Musi’s comments and return to competition at the Pacific Street Car Association event, was more than Christian could bear and he offered comments that threw gas on the embers.
We can now see the sequel … Annette Summer and the “I still hate both of you” tour.
THE “IT’S ME AGAIN MARGARET” AWARD
This one goes to Mike Edwards for his complete domination of the NHRA Pro Stock division …
Eventually Mike Edwards ran out of things to say to the media, but always found a way to thank God and his Mike Edwards Motorsports crew. The former NHRA Modified eliminator champion reached ten finals [winning five times] and qualified No. 1 a record-tying 16 times.
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THE “WTF” AWARD
This one goes to longtime friends and fellow ADRL Extreme Pro Stock racers Brian Gahm and Doug Kirk …
Okay, you’re sitting in the grandstands watching the final of Extreme Pro Stock at the Dragstock event in Rockingham. Both cars do long smoky burnouts. Then, in an odd twist of fate, ADRL President Kenny Nowling jumps the wall as the two cars criss-cross lanes backing up and pull off a complete lane switch.
Their actions were predetermined since the race wouldn’t affect any of the championship point outcomes. They left the starting line and laid down a close side-by-side run.
However, there were more than a handful of those at the race who looked at one another and said, “What the heck just happened?”
A close second was Lou Gasparelli drifting excursion gone wrong on the Pomona starting line, the result of a broken oil line that sent his Funny Car drifting atop the guard wall.
THE “BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A TEAM OWNER” AWARD
This one definitely has to go to Antron Brown …
The former Pro Stock Motorcycle rider came into Top Fuel racing under the David Powers Motorsports banner in 2008. Midway through the season, the team was sold to Tim Buckley who kept the team until early 2009 when he then sold the team to Mike Ashley. Ashley kept the team until selling it to Don Schumacher for the last two events of the season.
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THE “SCOTT WOULD’VE BEEN PROUD” AWARD
This one goes to Jeff Arend and the DHL Funny Car team …
A lesser team would have quit. But the Kalitta Motorsports team forged ahead, defying the adversity and battling their way from race to race in honor of their fallen driver Scott Kalitta. Prior to the 2008 NHRA event in Indy, Kalitta Motorsports announced they would return and do so with Jeff Arend as driver.
The team epitomized the spirit of champions when the performance on the track statistically didn’t provide the support. Case in point, the team didn’t win a single round of competition until the 16th event of the season, when Arend was declared the winner after Ashley Force Hood's car turned up light at the scales. One race later, he stopped Jerry Toliver in the first round at the NHRA U.S. Nationals in Indianapolis.
Then in Memphis, it all came together on a very damp Monday with a very sparse crowd on hand.
THE “GOLDEN MICROPHONE” AWARD
This one goes to Warren Johnson …
No one can tell it like it is quite like the straight-forward Warren Johnson. On a day when the track wasn’t its best in Reading, Pa., and not long after WJ had almost lost control of his K&N Filters Pontiac Pro Stocker, the ESPN2 crew interviewed the perturbed drag racing legend. They asked him about the “weeping” surface.
“This has been a long time problem,” Johnson said. “It’s probably manifested itself worse in the last few years simply from the fact the NHRA hasn’t been paying due diligence to what they should be doing instead of just scalping the spectators.
“What’s happened is that they didn’t slow those fuel cars down five or ten years ago as they should have by having a tech committee that was cognizant of what was going on,” he continued. “If they had slowed them down, the tracks wouldn’t have to be spending four and five hundred thousand dollars for shutoff areas for only 32 cars in the whole country. Less than one tenth of one percent of all the drag racing cars in this country are going to ruin this sport.
“What needs to be done is they need to slow those cars down beforehand not after. So the tracks have to spend all of that money fixing the shutdown area instead of fixing the race track for the rest of the competitors – the 99.9-percent...”
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THE “OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE” AWARD …
This one goes to Tony Pedregon...honorable mentions to Bob Bode and Bob Tasca.
Tasca appeared to be going through bodies like a hot knife through butter and Bode lost one when it cracked in half but nothing was as amazing as Pedregon's body doing a flying saucer impression.
As Pedregon shot down the drag strip, the body on his flopper took off in another direction, straight up in the air like a space shuttle lifting off. Pedregon crossed the line first but would have been disqualified except that NHRA officials had decided prior to the round to skip the scales because of time restraints.
THE “HONORABLE JERRY RIGGER” AWARD
This one goes to Terry Haddock …
The low-buck racer definitely didn’t err on the side of caution, or safety for that matter. When a spark plug guard broke in the staging lanes, instead of replacing it with the proper safeguard, he instructed a crewman to use a heavy-duty zip tie. Haddock suffered an engine failure and the zip tie wasn’t strong enough to keep a spark plug from launching out of the engine.
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THE "WELL, HE'S GOT BIG ONES" AWARD
This one goes to European photographer Andy Wilsheer ...
Imagine this. You have a Funny Car flip right in front of you and come within mere feet of your "my space" zone. Do you (A) Dump the cameras and run? (B) Run and establish a newer or safer distance? (C) Stand right there. Well-being be damned and get the million dollar shot?
You bloody right, you stand there and don't flinch.
THE “TMI” AWARD
This one goes to John Force via his daughter Ashley Force Hood …
Sometimes you can’t help but feel bad for Ashley and during a press conference, we felt really bad for her.
In front of gathered media, all invited guests inside the Force bus, John went into an elaborate explanation of why he got “snipped”, or in other words, had a vasectomy. Chances are that wasn’t the topic that the media or Ashley expected to hear that day.
THE “AGE IS ONLY A NUMBER” AWARD …
This would definitely have to go to Chris Karamesines …
Who knows how old he really is? Does it really matter, once you get past 70 and still drive the way he does, age is only a number. During the NHRA Finals in Pomona, Ca, Karamesines laid down a 3.89 to land in the 12th qualifying spot. 
THE “CAN YOU SAY BOOM” AWARD
This one goes to Ers Urbacher...
Ask to describe what he felt as his top fuel dragster sent a mushroom cloud, including massive fireball, at Houston Raceway Park in April, the best Urbacher could come up with was, “It went boom.”
Fortunately Urbacher was not injured in the mishap, but to this day when asked about the experience he still says, “It went boom.”
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