SUSAN WADE'S 3RD ANNUAL NAUGHTY & NICE LIST
The Beach Boys sang about him: "A real famous cat all dressed up in red. And he spends the whole year workin' out in his sled . . . Just a little bobsled we call it Old Saint Nick, but she'll walk a toboggan with a four-speed stick. She's candy apple red with a ski for a wheel. And when Santa hits the gas, man, just watch her peel." (Ha! You're humming the song already, aren't you?) Well, Ole Saint Nick is coming to town. But will he have goodies for our drag-racing family or big lumps of coal? Find out who deserves what by reading Competition Plus' third annual . . . Naughty and Nice ListThe Beach Boys sang about him: "A real famous cat all dressed up in red. And he spends the whole year workin' out in his sled . . . Just a little bobsled we call it Old Saint Nick, but she'll walk a toboggan with a four-speed stick. She's candy apple red with a ski for a wheel. And when Santa hits the gas, man, just watch her peel." (Ha! You're humming the song already, aren't you?) Well, Ole Saint Nick is coming to town. But will he have goodies for our drag-racing family or big lumps of coal? Find out who deserves what by reading Competition Plus' third annual . . . Naughty and Nice List
NAUGHTY
Everybody involved in the starting-line fiasco at the NHRA season finale during Saturday night qualifying: Rick Stewart, Alan Johnson, Tony Schumacher, and the sanctioning body.
Whoever is in charge of the NHRA timing system, for avoidable glitches
at Atlanta and Columbus this spring. (Graham Light took the ultimate
rap, but Santa isn't convinced Graham was the culprit, at least not the
only one.) This guy gets at least half of a candy cane, though, because
he did summon Bob Brockmeier and the extremely capable Jeff Foster to
fix the mess.
Miller Lite, for abandoning two-time Top Fuel champion Larry Dixon and Snake Racing.
Team CSK for dropping Phil Burkart in a December surprise move after
his top-10 finish and late-season surge that included a victory at
Reading for the beleaguered organization. He also had the Funny Car
class' best average reaction time (.067 seconds). Both team
owner/headline driver Del Worsham and Burkart were gracious about it.
It just stinks for Burkart, a proven driver and worthy team ambassador.
Funny Car drivers -- and you know who you were -- for engaging in
fisticuffs in the pits. The Atlanta incident between Ron Capps and Whit
Bazemore wasn't the only one. Santa knows when you're awake, and he saw
that immature brawl in somebody else's Funny Car pit at Houston. (By
the way, in the tiff between the Don Schumacher drivers, DSR's stance
was that the matter was private. If The Don doesn't drop a lump of coal
into the stocking of the blabbermouth who made it public, then Santa is
ready to.)
Ray Alley, for not recusing himself from his position as NHRA's
director of Top Fuel and Funny Car racing the moment he knew he would
be joining Kenny Bernstein's new Funny Car team. Santa loves and
respects you, Ray, and he knows you might have had mitigating
circumstances, but you had to understand how crew chiefs and racers
would consider that a breach of trust.
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The Force Women -- Laurie, Ashley, Brittany, and Courtney -- for
playing an April Fool's joke on John that backfired. "They tried an
April Fool's joke on me and it went sour," he said. "And it was right
in the middle of my overload. The world got a [glimpse] that John Force
ain't the wonderful guy a lot of people think. You fight this job seven
days a week to win. And when somebody comes and sticks a pin in you,
man, you snap. I've apologized, but I was caught at the wrong time. As
much as I laugh and I joke, I don't play jokes on people. It's not
funny -- even if it's April's Fool. That's a dumb idea, anyway -- it
ain't like it's Washington's Birthday."
Cancer, for striking IHRA Nitro Funny Car driver Vinnie Arcadi. And the
insidious sneak-thieves who took Barbara Parks, Malcolm Durham, Ronnie
Sox, and Dyno Don Nicholson -- among others -- from us this past year.
Fire, which threw scares into Cruz Pedregon at Sonoma, Whit Bazemore at Memphis, and John Force at Richmond.
The desperate, cat-scratching women who clawed for the Serta Sheep
promotional stuffed animals that driver Andrew Cowin and his Scott
Griffin-owned Top Fuel operation was handing out at NHRA and IHRA races
this year. They looked like they were going for a dollar-and-a-half
Armani jacket at Filene's basement. Très gauche.
No figgy pudding for any of you! Fa-la-la-la-la . . . la-la-la-- huh?
You tawkin' to me? Don't like what you read? Don't be sendin' a lettah
to us at the North Pole Post Office. Wanna settle it on the drag strip?
Line up your sleigh. I'll shut ya down. I'll Blitzen ya. . . . Oh, yeh
. . . heh-heh -- 'Tis the season to be jolly . . . Right . . . So just
read on -- Ol' Santa has some folks on his Nice list, too! -- Santa
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NICE
U.S. Air Force Master Sergeant Gary Marsh, for a promise kept. And for Competition Plus photographer Roger Richards' unselfishness. Richards met the airman at the IHRA season-opener at San Antonio. While they were at Lackland AFB in Texas for training, Marsh, stationed in Germany, was introducing drag racing to Tech Sgts. Donald Bausman and Jeffery Williams, who were stationed in Thailand. Richards, with the help of IHRA Communications managers Mike Perry and Travis Reynolds, arranged for the three servicemen to stand on the starting line between two Top Fuel dragsters. Marsh, who the next week attended the NHRA event at Houston, said he had been on the decks of aircraft carriers when fighter jets took off but had not experienced anything like the rumble of dragsters launching. He promised to send Richards, a U.S. Army veteran, a flag that had flown in Iraq during "Operation Iraqi Freedom." Just before Christmas, the Stars and Stripes arrived at Richard's door from Balad Air Base in Iraq, with special wishes from Lt. Col. Christopher Roach of the Alabama Air National Guard. He sent the flag to Marsh in Germany, and Marsh passed it along, with a certificate of authenticity. The flag had been aboard an F-16 August 21 -- officially on Mission # 4225;A/C#86-346, in the trusty care of Lt. Col. Sammy "Pitch" Black. Richards said he plans to dedicate the flag to the International Hot Rod Association for display. "I see it every day, but I want other people to be able to see it, just so they know."
Kenny Nowling, president of the American Drag Racing League, for providing a ride a-long to 15-year-old John Winberry during eliminations at the April 15 Pro Mod event at Gateway International Raceway. Winberry, a cystic fibrosis patient at Cardinal Glennon Children's Medical Center in St. Louis, rode in a Pro 10.5 car with Nowling at the wheel. Neighbor Tamie Buehrer gets an extra piece of candy in her stocking for helping set up the special treat, with the help of nurse Marie Odom-Green. Following Winberry's ride, Odom-Green measured the teen's vital statistics and noted nothing abnormal, except one curious change. According to the report, the young man from Granite City, Illinois, was grinning from ear to ear. 
Cory McClenathan, for surviving three ugly Top Fuel incidents in one season. Doug Foley, for surviving one especially nasty one in IHRA competition at Cayuga, Ontario. Foley, who was gunning for the championship, showed up with the aid of a wheelchair at both the IHRA season finale at Rockingham and at NHRA's Richmond race.
Bruce Litton, IHRA and NHRA Top Fuel veteran, for returning to the driver's seat at Rockingham after suffering injuries that required surgery in a crash at Epping, New Hampshire, this fall.
Funny Car-turned-Top Fuel driver Whit Bazemore, for surviving so many things. He started out with four first-round losses, saw crew chief Brian Corradi replaced, took a jab in the kisser from his teammate, rode to the top of a mountain in a grueling bike climb in the Rockies, caught fire at Memphis and jumped from the still-running car, broke a winless drought at Seattle, was runner-up at the U.S. Nationals at Indianapolis, and was out of a ride by the next week, as he helped replacement Jack Beckman test the Matco Tools Dodge. The good news, too, for Bazemore is that his two-year probation period expired in November.
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Melanie Troxel, for capturing everyone's attention through the first 12 races, earning the sport much attention in the mainstream media, and proving to everyone she can excel if given the proper resources. And -- if you're into the "girlie-watch" thing -- she carried the banner well for women. She left her winless Hostess Diva colleague Danica Patrick with less than a Twinkie Defense.
Matt Smith, for getting the Pro Stock Motorcycle victory at Englishtown. Smith, who the year before was declared the winner at Indianapolis before video replays clearly showed Steve Johnson winning, said when he legitimately earned his first professional victory, "Are y'all sure?"
President Kenny Nowling and the American Drag Racing League, a premier Pro Modified sanctioning body, for giving out more than 100,000 free tickets in a unique marketing idea that resulted in the largest crowd ever to watch a drag race in North Carolina. The vast majority of attendees had never seen a drag race and became fans as a result of the campaign and the keen competition.
IHRA Pro Modified champion Quain Stott and teammate Tommy D'Aprile, for their candor after their extremely unconventional side-by-side parade down the quarter-mile in the final round of the President's Cup Nationals in September at Maryland International Raceway. Stott officially won the race, but D'Aprile let him win. They had arranged beforehand to travel alongside each other in their '63 Corvettes to the finish line. (Stott's 41.828-second elapsed time at a whopping 25.24 mph and D'Aprile's 44.480/28.04 might have been a record-ugly side-by-side performance record.) When they reached the stripe, they stopped, then Stott rolled across first. Said D'Aprile, "This is what has to be done. We live and die as a team. We're not only a team -- we're a family." Stott said they agreed to run the final that way because "we're not lying about what goes on here. We respect our fans and our sponsors." Stott said he wanted everybody to know that the idea was D'Aprile's. "This was Tommy's decision. There were no team orders," Stott said. "He could've let the clutch out and crossed first if he'd wanted to. My hat's off to Tommy for doing what he did, because he didn't have to do it." D'Aprile's "Support The Troops" car carried an American flag affixed to the rear end. He said they wanted the sponsors to get some attention and wanted to salute our military because "it has been such a positive car all year long and people are just so emotional about it."
Frank Manzo, for continuing to be the NHRA Top Alcohol Funny Car dominator. He earned his 10th NHRA Lucas Oil championship on the strength of six national-event victories in seven final rounds. He also won the Jeg's All-Star event for his class, and won at Indianapolis in the Lucas Oil Chevy Monte Carlo. Manzo also set both ends of the national record at 5.450 seconds/263.26 mph.
Torco President Evan Knoll, for funding so many pro NHRA and
IHRA teams and most notably in 2006, helping Dale Creasy Jr., J.R.
Todd, Melanie Troxel, and Doug Foley win races and championships and
challenge for their respective NHRA and IHRA Top Fuel titles. (Hey,
maybe he IS St. Nick!)
NHRA, its drivers, and Old Bridge Township Raceway Park, for staging the best single event of the season. No problems! Why can't every race be so smooth? Sigh.
IHRA champions Clay Millican (Top Fuel) and Mark Thomas (Alcohol Funny Car) and team owner Tim Lewis, for saluting their wives and women in general.
"There is nobody tougher than women. They put up with us," Clay Millican said.
"To put up with this profession is amazing," Lewis added.
Mark Thomas' wife, Chris, works alongside him daily on the family farm in all kinds of weather and milks cows and feeds the animals and juggles those chores with making sure their three children handle school and homework properly. Thomas wondered aloud what life would be like if conventional roles were reversed. "Let's face it," he said to Millican. "If your wife and a bunch of her friends left every weekend and came back beat up and tired with a bunch of dirty clothes and were cranky for a few days because they hadn't slept that wouldn't last very long, would it?"
Replied Millican, giving credit to wife Donna, "We [men] don't know how to pay the bills. We don't know how to do much of anything. Those women can get it done."
Top Fuel rookie Hillary Will, for "getting it done" at the IHRA race at Norwalk, Ohio. It was her first professional victory.
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IHRA Nitro Funny Car driver Jeff Diehl, for spicing up the winners circle at Budds Creek. Diehl is a San Clemente, California, racing veteran who technically attended his first race when he was two weeks old but drove the "Witch Doctor" Fuel Altered and the RB Entertainment front-engine Top Fuel dragster. His crew chief is Spike Gorr, a/k/a "The Medicine Man." Diehl and wife Leeza, a model who designs handbags she says reflect "ultra girly-retro chic" styles inspired by drag racing, have a website called "Nitroagogo." Diehl said he "drove 48 hours nonstop -- we didn't turn the truck off" -- to attend the Maryland race. He earned his first victory since 2000, and as he clutched his Ironman trophy, he said, "Just when you're about ready to quit, you earn one of these and you go for another 20 years."
Everyone at Bandimere Speedway in suburban Denver, for being so polite and friendly during the entire weekend of the NHRA national event, which was undoubtedly the hottest all season long with constant triple-digit temperatures. Pre-Christmas snowstorms aside, these people truly were cool. Same for the accommodating people at Infineon Raceway at Sonoma, California.
Driver of the SPEED Channel boom truck, for helping retrieve the door of Tony Rubert's 1980 Malibu wagon from high up in the trees at Maryland International Raceway. Top Sportsman competitor Rubert, whose nickname is "The Entertainer" and is known for the strange things that sometimes occur during his passes, appeared to be on a straight run until the car reached the finish line. As the parachute deployed, a piece flew off the car. Right away, a call came via the emergency radio from one of the top-end track crew members: "Cover for me for a couple of minutes, I have to go into the woods to get that door." Two minutes later, a follow-up call came across the radio: "We are going to need someone who can climb a tree. That door is going to be here a while. It is 30 feet up a tree."
David Ray, for winning the Top Alcohol Funny Car trophies at the Gainesville and Pomona 2 events in the Top Alcohol Dragster class, with the direction of blind team owner/crew chief Jay Blake in the "Follow A Dream" Dodge Avenger.
Funny Car driver Terry Haddock and wife Bambee, for becoming parents Oct. 30 of healthy 7-pound, 1-ounce baby boy McKailen Skyler. "Bambee and I have been so nervous after losing [infant daughter] McKailee last year, but our boy is doing just fine," Terry Haddock, who got the call his wife was in labor while on his way to the ACDelco Nationals at Las Vegas, said. Larry and Ali Dixon and children Donovan and Alanna also welcomed a new addition to their family Sept. 3: 8-pound, 10-ounce Darien Lukas -- just hours after Daddy qualified No. 2 for the U.S. Nationals.
Gary Scelzi, for being gracious throughout a frustrating year in which he was in no position to try to defend his Funny Car championship. Del Worsham also remained polite and as upbeat as possible in maybe the most maddening season he has had yet.
IHRA, for bringing back the Nitro Funny Car class for the first time since 1992, and Evan Knoll for funding it.
Andrew Hines, for coming from behind to earn a third straight Pro Stock Motorcycle championship and joining older brother Matt as a three-time series titlist. Matt Hines also won three in a row.
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For making us laugh:
Pro Stock driver Rickie Smith, for "having fun." Before he defeated Tony Gillig in the rain-delayed IHRA final round at Budds Creek, Maryland, he played a staging game with the points leader. "We were just having fun. I had them duels with [NHRA class stars] Warren Johnson and Ronnie Sox. It just made me feel back at home. When you can go up there and have a starting-line battle and nobody messes with you -- let the two drivers hash it out," Smith said. He said he would have engaged Gillig in a burndown even if the final round hadn't taken place on a Monday. "I'd do it anytime," Smith said with a wry grin. "It doesn't matter if it's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. It's part of the game. Playing the game is having a good time."Nitro Funny Car driver Jack Wyatt, for saying of nitro methane, "It's the most powerful solvent in the world. It dissolves marriages and checking accounts instantly."
Gary Scelzi, for saying about his Mopar/Oakley Dodge following qualifying at Joliet, Illinois, "Somewhere there's a little gremlin in there. Tonight we're going on a gremlin hunt. We're going to kill that little bastard." (He didn't win Sunday.)
My droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow when I re-read those! - Santa
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YOU DECIDE, SANTA
What?! That waffling Susan Wade can't make up her mind? Do I have to do everything by myself?! Sheesh -- -- Santa
Larry Morgan's infamous T-shirts that became popular following the electronic-timing troubles announced, "You can't fix stupid." NHRA got its panties in a wad and did everything from threatening Morgan with legal action to demanding that he report on his inventory, destroy it, and document the destruction of said terrorist propaganda. Please. Santa wants to know one thing: Do those shirts come in red and XXXL?
Must be the year for tempests in a T-shirt. On the IHRA side, fun-loving Bobby Lagana Jr. nearly caused his father to blow a gasket -- then made him laugh hysterically. He provoked his father into a rage during a home-repair project in Scarsdale, New York, then took a picture of his dad's face full of anger. The Face of Rage picture became a popular T-shirt for sale in the Lagana "Twilight Zone" Top Fuel Dragster pit. The "Don't make me mad!" warning printed on the back is credited to the driver's father, Bobby Lagana Sr. -- whose likeness appears on the front of the shirt. In the photo, Lagana Sr. appears to be seething with rage. He was -- when the photo was taken. Bobby Jr. was working on his aunt's roof, and his father was on the ground, three stories below. He called down to his dad for something he needed, and the exchange turned into a shouting match. Father and son became more and more animated, shouting and swearing at one another. At some point, without tipping off his dad, Lagana Jr. saw the silliness of it all and decided to play a joke.
He scurried down the ladder, ran into the house, and came out with a camera he had hidden from his dad. Then he started the fight again and stirred his father to anger again. At the height of his father's fury, Lagana whipped out the camera and snapped the photo. Both dissolved into hysterical laughter. And they decided to market the T-shirt.Lagana Jr. said about 30 fans purchased the shirt -- "people who know the old man and wanted to get one."
Lagana Jr., who already has been on the cheesy TV show "Elimidate," can be the next Allen Funt on the next version of "Candid Camera." I'll even throw in the number for the handyman contractor at his local Lowe's store. -- Santa
John Force didn't know a pig from a pig. Forgive him. He was weary from the seemingly incessant filming of the A&E television show about his family and a battle with animal-rights activists for dropping the family's cat two feet to the ground on the premiere episode. "I was on a plane and I was dead tired, and the guy next to me said he watched my show on A&E," Force said. "The guy reminded me about dropping the cat and I cut him off. I said you can drop a cat 40 feet and it will land on its feet. I only dropped it two feet and got a ton of letters from the animal activists. A&E was even looking at pulling the
scene from the reruns." That's where the pig comes in. Force, trying to defend himself, said, "I was reading the newspaper where they had the headline BP/CASTROL pipeline breaks," he said. "They admitted they had a maintenance problem and they were running pigs through the pipes to the other end. I said, 'Can you believe that s#$%? I drop a cat two feet and I get in all kinds of trouble and they can run a pig 3,000 miles through a pipeline and no one bitches?' When we were getting off of the plane, the guy asked if I was kidding. I said, 'No -- right there in the headlines. There it is." The "smart pig" in the newspaper article is an electronic device that BP runs through the pipeline and not a four-legged animal. Said Force, "My brain just wasn't working and that was up there in Alaska, and I figured no one wanted to crawl through 3,000 feet of pipe so they'd put a pig in there and if it came out the other end, nothing was plugging it up. I was standing with my boss, and I brought the subject up. He looked at me and said, 'Force that's an electronic pig that takes pictures and stuff.' Then I felt dumb. I looked over at [crew chief Austin] Coil and he was just dying laughing. I let him know I just was just tired. Who knows? When you think about it, they probably did use real pigs in the old day. After all, we do use a roto rooter through our toilets." Should John Force get a Roto-Rooter or a rasher of bacon?Why not both? -Santa
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