Who would have thought sex could kill you? Considering the virulent STDs of the 21^st Century, it definitely can. It’s the world we live in.

Who would have thought some school districts would be trying to institute drug-testing programs for middle schoolers? It’s the world we live in.

Who would have thought those nascent testing programs would have expanded to the point of being a part of every day American life? It’s the world we live in.

And who would have thought we’d see the day when our sports heroes would be vilified for their alleged use of PEDs, and iconic athletes with names like Bonds, Armstrong and Clemens would be facing trial for lying about it? It’s the world we live in.

The drug testing of competitors on the NHRA Full Throttle Series has been in effect for so long that it’s an accepted part of drag racing. It’s the world we live in.

Who would have thought sex could kill you? Considering the virulent STDs of the 21^st Century, it definitely can. It’s the world we live in.

Who would have thought some school districts would be trying to institute drug-testing programs for middle schoolers? It’s the world we live in.

Who would have thought those nascent testing programs would have expanded to the point of being a part of every day American life? It’s the world we live in.

And who would have thought we’d see the day when our sports heroes would be vilified for their alleged use of PEDs, and iconic athletes with names like Bonds, Armstrong and Clemens would be facing trial for lying about it? It’s the world we live in.

The drug testing of competitors on the NHRA Full Throttle Series has been in effect for so long that it’s an accepted part of drag racing. It’s the world we live in.

The NHRA drug testing program, administered by the outside, independent testing firm, First Lab, was supposedly not instituted as the result of specific concerns the organization had, although its inception right around the time of Darrell Alderman’s well-documented drug problems and subsequent two year suspension certainly makes you wonder. Also, despite rumors to the contrary, NHRA’s previous and current insurance carriers have never, according to our sources, even asked about the drug-testing policy. This was strictly a decision by NHRA management. Further, while PRO has made some suggestions regarding it, they’ve had nothing whatsoever to do with drug testing. Their approval was neither sought or their input solicited.

Under the current NHRA drug testing policy a driver failing a drug test for the first time does not face a fine or suspension if the individual successfully completes a treatment program, because the testing firm’s agreement with the NHRA allows them to keep the offending individual’s name confidential, but only if the individual successfully completes the treatment program. First Lab only notifies NHRA brass when a second offense is recorded. 

Such is not the case with alcohol, as Allen Johnson found out in October of last year, where a zero tolerance policy is in effect. Done with a standard breathalyzer like those used by police from coast to coast, if you blow fumes, you’re going to pay the price with an immediate suspension from the event at which you’ve been tested. 

Johnson’s mistake was not only his apparent consumption of alcohol the night before the test, it was his timing.  Drivers notified of an impending test have 24 hours to appear and provide a urine sample and breathalyzer evaluation.  Knowing he was drug “clean,” Johnson immediately went to be tested without realizing the alcohol he’d consumed hours earlier was still in his bloodstream, which resulted in his one race suspension. It could be argued had he waited until the eleventh hour to be tested he might have come up clean, but that argument is moot.

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With all of that said, there are more and bigger holes in the current drug testing program than those that took down the Titanic.

The perception a driver has 24 hours to appear for testing is a complete falsehood. In theory, this means a driver notified at 10:00 AM Friday morning has until the same hour on Saturday to complete the test. There’s one major problem. For 13 of those 24 hours the testing center is closed. According to a senior NHRA official deeply involved in all aspects of the drug-testing program, the testing center usually closes at 6:00 PM and doesn’t reopen before 7:00 the next morning. This has been confirmed by numerous competitors, and while we sought confirmation from First Lab, they failed to return our calls. The one First Lab person we tried to speak with during the Las Vegas race refused to answer our questions, so we’re going with the scenario confirmed by NHRA.

The bottom line is the real window is 11 hours, not 24.

The gates at the national events usually open at 8:00 AM for spectators, and considerably earlier for competitors. Despite announcing the track will be secured at 6:00 PM, we all know there are often cars still running well after 9:00 PM on Friday and/or Saturday.  If the NHRA expects the racers to be able to race at any time inside a 13 or 14 hour window, they should also be demanding the drug testing center be open at least close to the same number of hours. If the competitors are expected to work a 14 or 15 hour day, the drug testers should be expected to be available as long as the track is “live.”

Please note we are not making any statements in support of either Matt Guidera or Mike Strasburg. In both instances they failed to deliver a measurable sample of urine within the specified 24-hour period.  Regardless of their reasons both broke a well-established rule, a rule they should have known, so it’s hard to mount a rabid defense of their actions.

However, let’s reference the closure of the test center at 6:00 PM to two different racers. Driver A competes in a well-funded dragster owned by a multi-car team owner that’s backed by a major corporation. He’s notified of a drug test on Friday morning, an hour-and-a-half before the first qualifying session. He finds his crew chief, tells him he’ll be gone about 45 minutes, and heads for the test center.

With his Top Fuel car, Driver B is a one-man band. His crew includes four buddies from home with little mechanical knowledge. Tuner?  That’s Driver B, too, along with being team manager and mechanic overseer. He gets his drug notification at 11:00 AM Friday morning, an hour before he has to run. There’s no time to get tested because the blower’s not on the car and the clutch still has to be adjusted. He’ll go right after the first session, but his car suffers a major engine problem on the run. He has to turn the car around almost as quickly as he’d have to during eliminations. They barely make it. The test?  Forgotten.

In the second session the last alcohol car down the track oils the right lane. Two Pro Stock pairs stage lengthy, faked burndowns. Finally, three Funny Car oildowns later, the session that was supposed to end at 5:30 grinds to a close at 7:15. The drug testing center has been closed for more than an hour.

The next morning Driver B remembers his drug test 30 minutes before the 24-hour deadline hits. He makes it to the test center in time, but through various circumstances, he’s unable to produce a large enough sample of urine. His year-long suspension is announced within the hour.

Please remember, we are not defending Strasburg or Guidera. We’re merely outlining a possible scenario.

If they’re still running cars after 6:00 PM, why isn’t the drug testing center open to accommodate those late-running competitors? There is no excuse for this, because this untimely closure may cost a racereverything. In our scenario Driver B should have been able to take his test at whatever time he completed running his car. Denying him 13- of his precious 24-hour testing window does him – and every other racer – a major disservice.

The inability to produce a measurable sample of urine under the pressure of a deadline is no laughing matter. One championship-winning driver said, “I’ve never had a problem with peeing on command, but I can understand why someone else can’t. It’s not always an easy thing to do when you know someone’s standing right outside the door, waiting for you to come out.” Another told us, “Whenever I get notified of a test I start drinking water like crazy, because if I go in there cold, I might not be able to pee at all. That’s happened to me before.”

The inability to pee on command is a well-understood problem, one which NASCAR appears to deal with in a somewhat saner manner than does First Lab and/or the NHRA. An individual tabbed for testing who fails to deliver a measurable sample is held in the testing center until he can, no matter how long it takes. It’s not a punishment, but a plan designed to help that individual pass the test (assuming he’s clean).

In the opinion of this writer, if a driver is able to deliver a partial sample, but not sufficient to the demands, rather than suspending that driver we believe whatever sample has been delivered should be tested. In the meantime the driver should be placed on probation, with no announcement to that effect made by the NHRA.  The driver should be tested again the following day. If that scenario can’t work for some reason the driver should be directed to another testing center for evaluation, with the driver bearing the fiscal responsibility for the test. He should be given a reasonable amount of time to report, with the time being adjusted for varying travel scenarios. If the race where he fails to deliver a sufficient sample is in Chicago, and the nearest test center’s in Philly, so be it. The driver will have to pay all the freight for getting there, within a specified time frame, or face the prospect of losing a year of his career.

One more thing. The likelihood of a “dirty” driver testing clean 24 or even 36 hours after his failure to deliver the first time around is minimal. The odds are heavily stacked against that happening.

If you think the hours of operation regarding the drug testing is a problem, that may be the least of its shortcomings.

Ever hear of the Whizzinator?  It’s a device with a plastic bag and false penis at the end. The user pours clean urine into the bag and places the entire device in his pants.  During the test he uses the fake penis to deliver the clean urine to the test bottle.

Why is this device relevant? Because we might see a driver getting caught using one – but it’s not likely.  The way the current NHRA drug tests are conducted, the drivers are not asked to produce a urine sample in front of witnesses.  We asked almost a dozen drivers about tests administered in both 2010 and 2011.  Each and every one of them, without exception, and with no hesitation, stated unequivocally that they were handed the sample bottle and told to go into the bathroom – alone and without witnesses – and return with the sample bottle filled to a pre-marked line. The only instruction they received was to not flush the toilet if they produced more urine than required.

Each and every one of those drivers conceded the possibility of cheating was high. Each and every one of them acknowledged it would have been possible for them to go to the test with a balloon full of clean urine taped to their legs, and empty that into the bottle.

Based on this information, the entire testing procedure is completely useless. The results obtained may have as much relevance to reality as does Donald Duck to the real world of our feathered friends.  A drug-fueled driver smart enough to avoid excessive amounts of alcohol could be passing these ludicrous exercises with the ease of Phil Mickelson sinking a 3-foot putt.

Virtually every business owner we contacted whose company drug tests employees told us two things. First, they insisted their employees provide a urine sample in front of witnesses. Doing otherwise negated the entire value of the program. And second, each said that it had been their personal experience that employees who showed up at the last moment were usually doing so because they either knew they’d fail, or thought they would.

While we continue to believe that a testing program is good for NHRA drag racing, in its current configuration it has absolutely no validity whatsoever. Because of the rampant opportunities for cheating, the program is completely unfair to every clean driver.

Make no mistake about it, major changes are on the way. We aren’t the only ones who have spotted the huge holes in its procedures. It’s safe to assume that, in the coming months, we’ll see an expansion of the program to include more individuals. How many more remains to be seen.

But, until these changes are announced the current NHRA-mandated drug and alcohol-testing program is a joke without a punchline.  And that’s the world we live in.